ANGER MANAGEMENT

On Monday, I had gone to my bank to withdraw some money. And because I did not want to waste time on the queue, I decided to use my ATM card for fast cash. After inserting the card and going through the whole process, the machine brought out my card without the money. A slip came out though, with a message; your financial institution not available.

Well, I decided to write a cheque though that would entail queuing but I had no choice. However, I was shocked when the cashier that was meant to pay me told me that I did not have enough money to cover the amount I wanted to withdraw. ”No”, I told her, ”check your records again because the first thing I did when I walked into this bank was to check my balance”. After sometime, she told me I had just made a withdrawal of N20,000 with my ATM card. I told her I could not withdraw because there was obviously a problem with the machine, and I showed her the slip. ”Ah, the ATM has debited your account, go to customer care service”. When I got to the customer service care, I was directed to another section where I met a gentleman in the same predicament. We were told to write a letter to the branch manager, explaining what happened and then wait. Till when? Even the branch manager did not know. ”The machine will eventually do an auto reverse and credit you. There is nothing more we can do than for you to wait”. When the gentleman told him he had a flight to catch and needed that money desperately, he replied, ”what do you want me to do?

That was simply too much for me. I got annoyed and told them I was not going to write any letter to get my money back and that I was not going to be there another day and that they should be very quick about getting my money back whether by auto or manual reverse because I had work to do and was not keen on wasting my time sitting in a bank.

I made so much noise that they did not wait for the auto reverse anymore but credited (back) our accounts. However, I did not particularly feel so good with myself afterwards. Why? Because I felt I could have managed my anger better. There and then, I made a decision to consciously watch myself henceforth and avoid situations where I would have to act in anger and regret afterwards no matter the results I get.

No matter how calm you are as a person, the truth is one day you do get angry. Then what would you do? Would you throw things around and abuse everyone around you?

Anger, experts say, is a useful emotion when it is well used. It can get you moving, stimulate you to be honest (say something you‘ve been meaning to say), give you the energy to protect yourself or your values, to stand up for something.

However when used inappropriately, it can lead to aggression and saying things ‘in the heat of the moment‘ that are later regretted. Ideas expressed when you are very angry are often said in hurtful ways; they can get other people offside or afraid of having further contact with you.

The bottomline is that you can‘t avoid people or things that irritate you - but you can learn to control how you react to it. Anger management, psychologists at Psychiatric Hospital, Columbia, South Carolina, Werber Bryan and Robert John McCrary in their article, ‘Anger management’; A ”How-To” Guide say that managing anger is often managing communication.

”For two people to communicate clearly, there needs to be a talker and a listener. However, in an argument, there are two talkers and no listeners! Thus, to resolve an argument, one must remember several techniques of good communication”. It is also important, experts say to understand anger in order to manage it effectively.

So, where does anger come from? A certified emotional coach, Susan Dunn, in her article: “Dealing with anger; understanding anger,” says that anger, in its rawest form, comes from the primitive, or reptilian brain. ”Emotions from the reptilian brain are designed for survival, and are stronger than our thoughts will ever be. If we didn‘t pay attention to them, we might come into harm‘s way. They‘re designed to preclude thinking. When the insult comes, or the push, or the threat, we react and just as if there were a beast in front of us, threatening our life. Adrenalin starts pumping and we move into fight-or-flight. There‘s no time to think, or we‘d be dead and at least the way the emotion was originally designed to operate. The trouble is, today, there are a few real threats to our existence, but our bodies don‘t know the difference, and so we react”.

And how should we deal with anger? Many people believe that when one ignores anger it goes away. But Dunn says that ignoring anger will cost us more than if we confronted it. She says, ”Our emotions are our guides. Anger tells us something is wrong, we need to deal with. And even if ”you” choose to ignore it, your body isn‘t. It will talk to you in migraines, back pain, ulcers and depression. Anger compromises the immune system. Illness ensues. It isn‘t a question of whether or not you can ignore it; you can‘t.

Health and medical writer, Chris Woolston, says you can take these steps towards effectively managing anger;

-Speak up when an issue is important to you. This doesn‘t mean that you have to make a case out of every minor irritation that comes your way, but that you take a stand on issues that would make you feel unhappy and resentful if you remain silent.

-Take a time-out. Sometimes, a good fight clears the air, but more often it just reinforces old patterns. If you feel anger so intense your heart is pounding, ask for some time to sort things out before talking about it. Do this in another part of the house or go outside -- away from the person to whom you were directing your anger initially. Take as much time as you need to calm down completely before returning.

-Figure out the cause of your anger. Ask yourself what the real issue is, what is it about the situation that is making you angry, what you think and feel, what you want to accomplish or change, who is responsible for what, and what the things are that you will and won‘t do. ”These may seem like simple questions, but it is amazing how frequently we march off to battle without knowing what the war is about.”

-Fight fair. Don‘t blame, label, threaten, diagnose, preach, ridicule, order, or make ultimatums. No matter whether you grew up around these underhanded tactics, try to never use them in an argument, and most importantly, don‘t be contemptuous or put the other person down.